Things that are funny, late at night.

This is what happens when you stay up late playing Halo, then read your comics and the New York Times brutally early edition.

“He is a loathsome supremely selfish creature who behaves contemptibly, laughs at the pain of others, has no manners whatsoever, and whose mental acuity would be compared unfavorably with that of a table. Yet I find I still prefer him to you.”

“Anything that ugly, it wants to die … I was wrong. Anything that ugly, it wants you to die.”

‘How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot someone in the face and have that guy say “my bad?”‘

“It’s come to my attention that many of the foreign goods we import into our country are made by foreigners who speak foreign languages and are foreign. It’s come to my attention that many varieties of hummus and other vital bread schmears are made by Arabs, the group responsible for 9/11. Furthermore, it’s come to my attention that the Chinese have a menacing death grip on America’s pacifier, blankie, bunny and rattle supplies, and have thus established crushing domination of the entire non-pharmaceutical child sedative industry.

It’s therefore time for Chuck Schumer, Hillary Clinton, Bill Frist and Peter King to work together to write the National Security Ethnic Profiling Save Our Children Act, which would prevent Muslims from buying port management firms, the Chinese from buying oil and mouth-toy companies, and the Norwegians from using their secret control of U.S fluoridation levels to sap our precious bodily fluids at the Winter Olympics.

In other words, what we need to protect our security and way of life is a broad-based, xenophobic Know Nothing campaign of dressed-up photo-op nativism to show foreigners we will no longer submit to their wily ways.

Never mind — the nativist, isolationist mass hysteria is already here.”